All Things Ellie

It's like Sex and the Suburbs and 30 Rock all rolled into one…

Just To Pee, Please

About a year ago a good friend and I went out on the town. We wanted to have a few cocktails and talk girlie stuff. As she happens to look very similar to me, in fact we’ve been mistaken for each other more than a few times, we have what we call the Doppleganger Bond. It’s a strong and strange bond, one in which we can go months without seeing each other and then be best friends. It also means we sometimes get hit on. But most of the time, we just drink cocktails, eat gourmet food and trade good news from common friends. And sometimes talk about Mad Men.

Things at one bar were winding down, and even though it was getting late, neither of us wanted to end the night. We had just met a nice young man in law school, and were enjoying the conversation. He wasn’t hitting on us, and we thought he was pretty interesting. For some reason or another, I decided that karaoke was mandatory and we trucked in the cold and slush to Waterworks. Big mistake. While my look-alike and I are queer allies, despite the kid’s protests, he seemed very uncomfortable in a gay bar, even though the karaoke there draws everyone. He definitely wanted to leave, but couldn’t figure out how to get back to his apartment. In the split second we took to decide to walk him back home, I never had a chance to use the bathroom. And I had to pee.

When we approached his place, I perked up as there was no way I was making it home. We had done him the valuable service of seeing him to his apartment so I thought that a quick bathroom trip was not unfair to ask of. He let us into his apartment, warning us to be quiet because he didn’t want his landlady to ask him why he had brought girls back. This should have been a clue we should have left. But upon entering, he offered us tea and took our coats. I went to the bathroom, and noticed there was nothing to wipe with. While I searched for tissues or something, he told my friend this. He said, “I don’t know what you girls are expecting to happen tonight, but I think you should probably leave.” As I left the bathroom, my coat was handed to me and I was more than a little puzzled. As we were ushered out the door – he didn’t even walk us down the stairs – I asked what had happened. Apparently nothing – they had merely only talked about her perhaps wanting to go to law school.

But oh, I got my revenge. I said a bit loudly that I was freaked out that everything in his apartment had come from Wal-Mart. See, as I searched for something to clean myself with, I noticed that his entire apartment was furnished from Wal-Mart, even the knick-knacks! And yes, I realize that this should have been clue number two to flee.

8 comments on “Just To Pee, Please

  1. Chris
    August 16, 2010

    What did you end up wiping with? Did you not wipe at all? Is there a part 2 to this story? Don’t leave me hanging!

    • Ellsbells
      August 16, 2010

      Uh… I used his bathroom towel. Yeap. Also from Wal-Mart.

      • Suzie
        August 16, 2010

        Way to sound like an elitest snob. This kid was focusing on law school, rather than spending his time trolling around for cute little nik-naks and fancy towels to please any guests that he might receive. And you wonder sometimes why you are single.

      • Ellsbells
        August 16, 2010

        You know what, I am an elitist snob. And by that I mean to say that I expect certain things. I expect a guy to have showered for a first date. I expect an attempt at looking nice. And I do expect that if one is going to decorate one’s house, it’s not entirely and completely with stock furnishings from Wal-mart.

        But the point of the story isn’t that the entire apartment was decorated from Wal-mart. It’s that he was odd. When my friend asked about law school, innocently and out of genuine interest, we were kicked out. He made us tea, took our coats, and then when my friend asked a few simple questions, we were asked to leave. The Wal-mart décor was simply one of the clues, a smaller part of a bigger picture. And if you look at the comments, the next day he sent her his resume.

  2. jess
    August 16, 2010

    This was one of my favorite nights ever.
    You should add in the part about he sent me his resume a few days later.

    • Ellsbells
      August 16, 2010

      I totally forgot about that!

  3. Boom
    August 17, 2010

    Wow. You don’t sound like a snotty piece of shit or anything. Oh wait, you do. No wonder why you can’t get laid.

  4. Maddiecakes
    August 17, 2010

    Apparently we didn’t make too terrible an impression because I think he asked me out on a date a year later.

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This entry was posted on August 16, 2010 by in Uncategorized.
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